Norman Bates Standup Comedy Routine

 INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

The stage is dimly lit, with a single spotlight shining down on a microphone stand. The audience eagerly awaits their next performer. Suddenly, the spotlight focuses on NORMAN BATES, a seemingly unassuming man in his forties, standing center stage.

NORMAN
(laughing nervously)
Well, hello there. I hope you're all having a killer night. Sorry, I couldn't resist. It's just...I'm Norman Bates, and people always make a big deal about my line of work.

The audience chuckles politely, unsure of what to expect.

NORMAN
You know, being a motel owner can be tough. It's hard to compete with those fancy hotels and their fancy amenities. But I have a secret weapon. You see, my place offers an experience that no other hotel can provide. Guaranteed privacy. Who needs those "Do Not Disturb" signs when you have...well, me?

Some uneasy laughter ripples through the crowd.

NORMAN
I've been told that my attention to detail is unmatched. I mean, I'm practically the Martha Stewart of cleaning up crime scenes. But seriously, folks, it's all about presentation. My guests may check in, but they never check out. Hey, it's a win-win situation. They don't have to worry about checkout times, and I don't have to worry about those pesky Yelp reviews.

The audience nervously chuckles, not quite sure how to react.

NORMAN
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Norman, do you ever get tired of living with your mother?" Well, the truth is, it can be a little suffocating at times. But hey, at least she's always there for me. And by "always there," I mean literally always there. In spirit, you know?

Awkward silence falls over the room, broken only by a few nervous laughs.

NORMAN
But enough about me and my creepy hobbies. Let's talk about relationships. Dating can be tough, especially when you have a habit of keeping secrets. It's like, "Do I tell them about the taxidermy hobby on the first date, or should I save that for the third?"

The audience shifts uncomfortably, unsure if they should be laughing or calling the police.

NORMAN
(laughing nervously)
But seriously, folks, despite all the quirks, deep down, I'm just like any other guy. I'm looking for love, companionship, and someone who won't mind sharing a bathroom with my mother.

The audience remains silent, a mix of confusion and mild horror.

NORMAN
Alright, alright, maybe I'll stick to my day job. Who needs stand-up comedy when you've got a booming motel business, right? Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You've been a...well, a captive audience.

Norman gives a small bow, the crowd slowly applauding out of politeness rather than genuine enthusiasm. He exits the stage, leaving behind an atmosphere of unease.

FADE OUT.