John Holmes Standup Comedy Routine

 

**Title: John Holmes - Stand-Up Routine**

**[Opening]**

**John Holmes:** Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! How's everyone doing tonight? [pause for audience reaction] That's what I like to hear! You know, I've spent most of my career being recognized for... let's just say a very specific talent. But tonight, I'm here to share something different with you—my sense of humor!

**[On Fame]**

You know, being a star in the adult film industry comes with its own set of challenges. For instance, I can't go grocery shopping without hearing someone whisper, "Hey, isn't that...?" And I'm like, "Yes, it is. Now, can I please buy my cucumbers in peace?"

**[On Size]**

People always ask me, "John, is it true what they say about you?" And I respond, "Well, if you’re referring to my giant sense of humor, then absolutely!" [pause for laughter]

But seriously, being known for your size has its perks. Like, I never have to worry about someone sitting too close to me on the bus. And airplane seats? Forget about it. They just give me the whole row.

**[On Relationships]**

Dating is a whole other ballgame. Women have these wild expectations. I had a date ask me, "John, what's it like to be with a legend?" I said, "Honestly, it's a lot like watching a James Bond movie. There's a lot of action, some suspense, and it always ends with a bang!"

**[On Career Change]**

I remember telling my parents about my career choice. My mom was like, "John, why couldn't you just become a doctor?" And I said, "Mom, I help people in a different way. Plus, I still wear a white coat sometimes!"

**[On Working in Hollywood]**

Working in Hollywood, you meet all sorts of characters. I once ran into Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he said, "John, I hear you're the only guy who can lift more than me." I said, "Arnold, it's not about the lifting, it's about the... length." [pause for laughter]

**[On Typecasting]**

Typecasting is real, folks. Directors always want me to play the same role. I'm like, "Can't I just once be the guy who fixes the cable without... fixing the cable?"

**[On Daily Life]**

Even everyday activities can be a struggle. Ever try going for a jog when everyone recognizes you? It's like a parade—people waving, taking pictures. By the time I get home, I've signed more autographs than I've burned calories.

**[On Stand-Up Comedy]**

And now, here I am, doing stand-up comedy. It's a bit different from my usual gig. No costumes, no scripts, and I actually get to keep my clothes on! But hey, it's a lot of fun. Comedy and... well, my other job... they both require good timing, right?

**[Closing]**

So, thanks for letting me share a few laughs with you tonight. Remember, life is too short not to have a good time. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that laughter is the best medicine—well, laughter and maybe a little something else. [winks]

Have a great night, everyone! You've been a fantastic audience. Keep laughing, keep smiling, and take care!